Revisiting Who I Am

 

July was a lot. I think that is the easiest way I can begin this month because there were so many things that happened, so many people I met, so many spaces I entered again, and so many little realizations that I am still trying to understand. But if there is one thing I think July reminded me of, it is that sometimes God brings you back to a space you thought you already knew, only for you to realize that you are not the same person who left it.

The first week of July, we hosted Philippine Living Heritage, with more than thirty participants in Sapnay. Kuya Earnest Hope and I were tasked to facilitate the space, and honestly, it felt like something I needed to relearn. It had already been more than a year since I last facilitated in that way. I had to revisit how I approached people, how I handled a group, how I developed a module, how I made myself comfortable in front of different personalities and energies. I have always been afraid around people, especially when there are so many of them, so when I saw all these young minds coming into one space, I got overwhelmed. I got lost at some point.

I could not keep up with my co facilitator's pace. He was fast at brainstorming, fast at connecting things, while I needed more time to process, understand the space again, and figure out where I could contribute.

But then he told me something I did not expect. He saw me as more structured and scripted.

That was funny to me because inside, I did not feel structured at all. I felt overwhelmed. I felt like I was trying to remember how to do something I used to know. It made me realize that sometimes we see ourselves only through the things we feel internally, while other people see something completely different in what we actually do.

Maybe I have been too hard on myself.

Maybe I just needed time.

Maybe I just needed space.

And maybe God really wanted me back in that space.

I have been praying lately that I could somehow get my spark back. I have been asking God to help me create a good space for learners again, especially because teaching and facilitating have always been something I cared about. I wanted to feel that part of myself again.

And then suddenly, there I was.

Facilitating again.

I did not expect it to happen that way. I had been saying no to some things, thinking that maybe I was no longer ready, maybe I was not good enough, maybe I had already moved away from that version of myself. But somehow, the circumstances brought me back.

It almost felt like God answered in one click.

And maybe that is what I needed to understand. Sometimes we think we are losing a part of ourselves when really, we are just being given time to revisit it differently.

I was a participant just a month before.

Now I was facilitating.

That alone made me see things differently.

I was no longer only asking what I could learn from a space. I was also thinking about what kind of space I could create for someone else. And maybe that is another part of growing. Sometimes you return to something familiar, but you return as a different person.

The hosting eventually became something beautiful. We shared stories, laughter, discoveries, different energies and different ways of looking at things. What started with my fear of being overwhelmed ended with me being grateful that I was there at all.

And then YATTA had its Annual YATTALYMPICS, our Dragon Day.

This was probably one of those moments where we simply allowed ourselves to have fun.

We were divided into three groups, competing through games, strength, wit, strategy and endurance. Everyone was doing something. Everyone was trying to figure out how their team could win. There was competitiveness, but there was also so much laughter.

And somewhere in the middle of all that, I realized again that YATTA is not only an organization.

YATTA is its people.

Sometimes we spend so much time thinking about advocacy, projects, community work, theater, social realities and everything that we want to change in the world. We carry so much from the outside world that sometimes we forget that we also need a place where we can simply be kapatids.

We laugh.We get angry.We share stories.We compete.We get tired.We encourage each other.We simply exist together.And maybe those moments matter just as much.

Because after all the heartbreak we experience from the world, sometimes we need to pause and remind ourselves that there are still people beside us. People who are also trying. People who are also carrying their own lives, their own responsibilities, their own identities, their own struggles, and somehow still choosing to contribute something to this community.

That thought stayed with me.I began looking at everyone differently.

I started noticing how each person has been working so hard on themselves. Everyone has their own life outside YATTA. Everyone has something they are trying to become, something they are trying to understand, something they are trying to contribute.

And yet they come into this space and give something of themselves.

Maybe that is what meaningful contribution really looks like.

You do not have to be perfect before you become useful.

You do not have to have everything figured out before you can help.

Your raw self can already be something that a community needs.

I think that is what I was seeing throughout July.

Maybe I was also seeing myself.

Because I spent so much time thinking that I needed to become better before I could provide something meaningful. I thought I needed to regain my confidence, regain my spark, become more comfortable, become better at facilitating, become more prepared.

But maybe I have been overlooking the fact that I have already become something.Maybe the things I thought I lost were simply things I needed to rediscover.And maybe the people around me were already seeing something in me that I was too busy criticizing myself to notice.

I do not know exactly what God was doing in July.But I have a feeling He was reminding me.He was reminding me that I have been here before.That I have learned before.That I have served before.That I have been afraid before.

And that being afraid does not mean I am incapable.

Maybe He brought me back not because I needed to prove that I was good enough, but because I needed to remember that I am still capable of growing.

I think I have been praying for my spark to come back, without realizing that maybe the spark never really disappeared.

Maybe I just needed the right space to see it again.

And perhaps that is what July gave me.A chance to revisit myself.A chance to facilitate again.A chance to laugh with my kapatids.A chance to look at people not only for what they do, but for who they are becoming.

A chance to remember that everyone is carrying something, everyone is trying to contribute something, and everyone has something beautiful to give.And maybe, in the middle of all these people trying to become better versions of themselves, God was quietly reminding me that I am also still becoming.

I am still learning.I am still afraid sometimes.I still get overwhelmed.I still lose my words.I still need time to process.

But I am here.And maybe for now, that is enough.